The verdict is IN...

I'm down 5.5 lbs since I started OSB 2 weeks ago!!!!!!!!!!!!    

:: insert happy dance here ::

I'm so proud of myself- I have been really diligent with my food log and I've become *very* aware of what I'm putting in my mouth so I'm not just mindlessly eating without any knowledge of how many calories I'm consuming... plus I've been working out 4 days a week! I've decided to "weigh in" every other week from here on out instead of every week- so I'll have an update the week of the 24th. It would be really awesome if I could see another 5.5 loss next time... but any loss would be good! Here's to hoping! ;)

Week (end) Recap

It's been a few days so I thought I should post something... let's start with the "good" stuff.

Well I have officially completed week 1 of OSB and I have to say it went very well. Crystle and I got our asses kicked at the gym Monday and Wednesday (OMG- seriously!), and I got my ass kicked at home doing the Jillian Michaels video on Tuesday and Thursday! I bought new weights on Friday, and got a little treadmill time in at home on Saturday. I'm most proud to say that I was successful at keeping my daily calorie intake at @ 1200 every day last week, with the exception of my "cheat meal" at O'Charleys on Friday night with my boys. (Total fror Fri was still decent- 1500!) I've been keeping a food diary/log at fitday.com. It rocks!

Let's see... Well, we also watched a few movies since it rained most of the weekend. B enjoyed Alvin & the Chipmunks- the Squeakquel, and my favorite was "The Blind Side" (ahh, so good!) We also watched "Law Abiding Citizen" (Jamie Foxx / Gerard Butler)- which was defnitely good, just a little disturbing for me at times. Other than that it was a typical weekend- laundry, grocery shopping, hanging with my two favorite boys... fun fun.

Now to the "bad".

All weekend my heart was broken, and I was on the verge of tears because my mom's foster kid Becca was taken to live with a relative on Thursday... I can't even begin to explain how much we all love this little girl, how she is just as much a part of our family as my own son is. There just aren't enough words for how we feel about her. I know things could be worse, but right now it feels like the walls are closing in and I can't breathe. Taking a child in and making her part of your family... loving her like she's your own child... creating memories with her... putting your whole heart and soul into another human being... only to have them taken away is just devastating, no matter the circumstances. I think a lot times people hear the word "foster" and can't really fathom that to us- it's the equivalent of having our own flesh and blood taken from us... Becca was never my "foster sister". She was my sister from day one- and sometimes even more like a daughter to me. I don't know... it just sucks and it hurts more than I could have imagined. I've been a walking nervous breakdown waiting to happen for days- I find myself snapping at Dale and picking fights with him just so I can stay MAD instead of giving into the sadness. I'm a real mess... I know everything will be ok, and time will make this pain go away- but right now I'm just trying to get through it without losing my mind. I know (well at least hope) we will be able to see her again- but she won't know me... she won't remember me and just knowing that is excrutiating...  

My mom has also decided that Becca was her last foster kid- which should give me some relief... to know I won't have to feel this kind of pain ever again, but at the same time knowing there won't be babies or toddlers at her house anymore is just incredibly sad to me. My whole life I have been a "little mother" to a million foster babies- its all I know. I've always looked forward to visits to my moms house to hang out and play with the kids... and now- nothing is ever going to be the same when I'm there. To be honest I don't know if I know how to be "me" without babies to take care of... Ugh, I don't even know how to make sense of how I feel. It's like I was useful and I was where I was supposed to be when I was helping my mom with the kids- whether it was babysitting so she could have a date night, or taking some kids to my house for an overnight, or picking one up to go to a pumpkin patch, or to see christmas lights... or just coming over to bring them a special snack or toy... now, the house is going to feel empty and just different. I'm just not ready for that yet...

Well- there really isn't any good way to end this post after all that depressing stuff so I guess that's it.

I love you Becceroni- more than you could ever imagine... you'll always be my "pretty girl". ♥